Parenting the Youths! Ah!
I was recently sipping wine, bailing on bedtime, and sharing many laughs with a dear mom friend whose 3 kids are in the same classes as my 3 oldest. Nothing more life-giving nor fortuitous as a parent than to share and learn from someone who is in the exact same stage of chaos as you. As both of our oldest are reaching their teenage years, we discussed our affection for those fleeting glimpses of their “adult” personalities and our trepidation towards the unknown.
Adolescents, or “the youths” as Jonathan and I jokingly refer to them courtesy of Liz Lemon, get a bad rap in the parenting realm. The hormonal outbursts, fights for independence, the ingrained dissent just for the sake of dissent. What a ride; parents, in the passenger seat, seemingly holding the map with many failed attempts at grabbing the wheel.
At the foundation of all the “angst” is the desire for autonomy, which is exactly where they should be developmentally. My friend shared her favorite advice she received in a parenting class, “your only goal as their parent should be to get them to the place where they do not need you at 18 because of the foundation you set in place.” So, in theory, we want to facilitate their growth in autonomy… in practice, this seems impossible, because typically their “map” is upside-down, from another city, sometimes a different galaxy. GRAB THE WHEEL!
I don’t know the perfect answer or the exact science to this process, but like many things in the clinical world, I do believe that balance is one of the main goals, so that’s where I am going to try to find myself.
Our kids are going to make mistakes, just like us. We will want to shout the directions each and every time. Sometimes those directions will be heard, sometimes they will “know the better way.” But the mistakes of this time in their life are some of the best ways for their values, faith, courage, world views, and autonomy to strengthen.
So while we can’t prevent the consequences, and we will painfully watch our kids suffer, I believe the most simple yet sacred work of parenting an older child is to be present, supportive, and empathetic in the consequences and affirming and enthusiastic in the successes, even if eye rolls are the only acknowledgment you receive… at least you know they heard you.
